HONESTY, HEELS, LIES AND PERFUME

high heels and honesty lies and perfumes

Love…Its funny you know? How someone is a complete stranger to you. And a few weeks, or months or even years later, depending on how long the ‘chase’ or ‘catch’ was (which also depends on which angle you’re coming from). Another compound sentence that’s got me wrapped up, oh! The travails of a writer. Anyway, as I was saying, one day you’re complete strangers, and before you know it. It’s hugs and kisses and err…*clears throat* anything else that follows (marriage anyone?) I really should have some of that Kermit the frog’s tea though.

There’s something that’s reeeeeeeeeeaaallly been bugging me for many a year though. And that’s the absolutely alarming questions girls ask. Now when I say girls I mean ladies, divas, vixens, chics, women, female. It’s all GIRL. If I were paid one naira everytime a Nigerian lady challenged me for calling her GIRL I’d be playing golf with the likes of Donald Trump. Not sure girls mind as much now though, thanks to Pharell’s album. If you didn’t catch that last line, all I can say is. Listen to more music!

*Sips more tea*

So girls basically, there are some questions you really need to stop asking guys. Guys are already programmed, wired and configured to reply these questions. For the more ‘experienced’ guys, they can now answer these questions even if they’re in a coma.  It’s like an answering machine, really. Except an answering machine that can hold your hands, look into your eyes and give you goose bumps when answering. Just for the record, it’s a guy (strokes beard) writing this.

  1. DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME?

Seriously?  Ladies. What’s he supposed to say? No I don’t love you, I love your pretty face and gorgeous body. Geez. And the thing is, ladies seem to choose the most awesomely shocking time to ask this question. It’s usually after sex. WHY?? I mean you and your husband man just had a rumble in the jungle. You’re both trying to catch your breath. Your sweaty, naked bodies still entwined, and you expect him to tell you he doesn’t REALLY love you, REALLY????

  1. WILL YOU EVER LEAVE ME?

Hmmmm…Let’s think for a second. Asking a guy if he will ever leave you is like asking your bank manager if the bank will ever collapse. There you have it! What’s a guy going to tell you? “Of course I will leave sweetheart, as soon as I find another girl to replace you.” *adjusting my tie*

  1. DO YOU MISS ME?

This has got to be one of my favourites. The honest answer would most likely be “hell no I don’t miss you, but once I want to sleep with you or enjoy your company I will call or text you”. This is what you’ll most likely hear: “Heeey, of course I miss u boo, I miss you so much, can’t wait to see you” *deep sigh* I rest my case.

  1. WHO IS SHE?

I’m actually laughing while typing this part. Okay. Let’s assume the ‘she’ at that moment is his cousin or niece (ok niece doesn’t sound right).  No Yerima mode o. Let’s assume she’s family or JUST A FRIEND (caps lock intentional), you would not believe us. So, does it really make a difference who she is? History has proven that after that very popular question is asked, the night doesn’t usually end with hugs and kisses. Sometimes broken bottles and broken bones are involved especially if he stammered or stuttered before answering who is she?

  1. HOW IS ………… (INSERT ANY FEMALE NAME HERE)

Now of all the traps girls set for their men, this has got to be the biggest and most deadly of them all. You’re together with your girlfriend/fiancée/wife, discussing politics or religion, and from out of the blues she smiles, caresses your hand and asks you, so how is (……….). As a man, an alarm goes off in your head. Of ALL the women in your life including friends, families and colleagues why did she single out THAT particular girl to ask you about? She’s onto you son. Grab an icepack if your relationship with the girl she just asked you about is more than hello and hi. If you’re innocent oh well, most likely the next two hours of your life will be spent as a lawyer.

  1. AM I GETTING FAT?

Growing into my days of manhood, I had been brainwashed to always smile, and say stuff like “no darling, of course you’re not. Matter of fact looks like you lost some weight.” That usually earned me a smile, a kiss and maybe more *winks* (cleaning my halo). But one fateful day, for the FIRST time I decided to be honest. All I said was “yeeeah, you look like you’re getting fat dear” to the girl I was dating. Let’s just say I found myself dodging high heels and the fat end of a baseball bat. Why do girls ask questions they know they don’t want the honest answers to ehhhn?

  1. WILL YOU EVER CHEAT ON ME?

Girls girls girls, you darlings, the question you should be asking him is  WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? Trust me, and I’m sorry to sound like such a pessimist. But you need to meet a thousand men to find ONE faithful one. I mean, if only all men were like me…you know? Faithful, loving and honest (do I hear haters whispering? LOL). How do you expect any man, even if he’s dead drunk, to tell you he will cheat on you, if that’s not even past tense already.

Nightcap 

Whew, so, there are a lot more questions I wanted to add but hunger dey catch me. Don’t get it twisted ladies, I’m not saying every answer a guy gives you when you ask these questions are lies. If they’re not then you’re one really lucky girl. Marry that boy! And if he doesn’t propose then you get the ring and get on one knee *laughing* Just kidding.

All I’m saying is, if someone loves you, let them SHOW IT, not just SAY IT.  Anyone can say the sweetest things, only precious few can back them up with actions. Mind you even some ‘actions’ are scams o..LOL. To guys all over the world, sorry for being such a snitch, just watching out for our beautiful women. You came out of one remember?

Please, does anyone know where I can hire a bodyguard?

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2 thoughts on “HONESTY, HEELS, LIES AND PERFUME

  1. 1st and foremost, love d caption “my Lips are the pen of a skillful writer… I think they shuld be shield from flying missiles lol. u snitch on ur “homies” and d “gurls”, unfortunately for u we have few hermaphrodites, so no escaping for you.
    To my “gurls”, na d truth dis boy dey talk o, stop asking them these questions and many more, 2d guys, make una no vex, na him lips dey itch and his fingers get minds of their own. Seriously rotfl.
    But “thumbs up” guy, na true u talk

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