HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN NINE SECONDS

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Yaaay…Happy New Year!!!!! Ok. I’m 21 days late…my bad! But with all the wine popping and New Year groove. Plus having to resume work *sobbing profusely* I just haven’t found time to type all the highly inspiring things that have been flowing through my Einsteinic brain. HeHeHeHeHe

Don’t worry about how ‘Ruff n Tumble’ 2014 was. Forget all the past hurts, failures, delays or disappointments you faced in 2014. This is a new chapter! It’s going to be an amazing year for you. Just believe!!!

So today, we’re going to be discussing…Discussing because you’re going to read this and then use the comments box at the end to fill in your own opinions and thoughts. Deal? *shaking your hands*

Now, I know we live in the age of feminism..*playing Beyoncé’s “Who Runs The World” on repeat* and more than ever women all over the world feel the balance of power has shifted in their favour. No wahala, trust me, experience has long taught me that is one argument no man should ever hope to win. Feel free to try, though be prepared to lose your voice and/or balls in the process.

That fact being established, make we come down to the level we dey, and that is Nigeria, or as is more popularly known, Naija!!! The rest of the world may flow in one direction, but we are a rare, unique breed. Most things that babes in other countries would say or do that wouldn’t matter one bit to a guy…Usually matter here, in this part of the world! These are things a woman in another part of the world could say and go ‘scot free’ yet a Naija babe could say the exact same thing and LOSE A GUY IN NINE SECONDS.

So what are these things? Grab a drink and enjoy the rest of the read…

  1. I HATE COOKING/ I CAN’T COOK FOR ANY MAN

I have to start by having a good laugh. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong if a Nigerian lady hates cooking, none at all. The problem is this: Most Nigerian men are used to eating GOOD FOOD, most of them three times a day. Right from when they are babies, sucking milk joyfully all day long from their momma’s boobies, to when they are little boys who carry food in coolers to school and still come home to the most healthy, freshly cooked more-than-a-regular man’s- portion delicacies. Their pot bellies can testify to this fact. Now they are grown single men. If they don’t have a cook or someone playing the role of a cook (if you get my drift), then they are buying food at Mama Put, bukkas or some of the finest restaurants. This all depending on their taste or pocket. Now tell me how you expect such men to suddenly (all in the name of saying wedding vows), adapt and adjust to a whole new feeding lifestyle. I certainly am not willing to try and neither are 99.99% of men who fall under the category I just described.

It may seem very trivial though, and many ladies may be wondering what the connection is between food and marriage. Let me make it clear, this is Nigeria baby. Here’s the equation:

Good food = Good Energy = Great sex = Inspiration and Joy = Good hustle = Good money = Spending on you + Taking care of you + Shopping = Happy wife = More Great Sex…And the cycle continues!!! So you see, Good food is everything! LOL. I should name that equation ‘Adotekom’s theory’ though…and copyright it too. I’m sure most Africa Magic lovers will agree that just like in Nollywood movies, no mother-in-law will tolerate her son whom she has groomed and overfed for well over twenty years )in some cases thirty…LOL), suddenly having to endure indomie and egg or white rice and poorly cooked stew for the rest of his life.

Call me old school, but any lady who thinks I’m not making a point should feel free to ask any man she knows how he feels about a wife who doesn’t cook for him. If she’s single, she should tell any guy she’s dating that being in the kitchen irritates her. She might suddenly not look so drop dead gorgeous in his eyes anymore. And for those who plan on hiring cooks/maids two days after marriage, chances are your husband might at some point start enjoying more than just her meals.

  1. I’M IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP

I would have played the British or American national anthem. But I just realised I live in Nigeria *turns on generator* Ladies, if a guy who is liking you / toasting you/ asking you out/ dating you / wants to be clear on your relationship stats, please tell him you’re single/ engaged to someone else already/ dating someone/ it’s complicated/ any other answer! But please do not…I repeat, NEVER TELL A NIGERIAN MAN YOU ARE IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP! It just doesn’t digest into our system the same way as it does in other parts of the world. It’s a cute thing over there, you know? The girl and guy are in a relationship, but are free to do anything they like with other people. For them it’s a time to be in love with one person, while dating/ having sex with other people and the person you’re in love with being very cool with the idea because he/she is doing the exact same thing!

Come back to Nigerian soil…all a man here will see is a lady who wants to date him yet be free to date and sleep with other men. We sort of tend to take the word ‘OPEN’ a bit too literal. LOL. Men are greedy and selfish by nature. So as much as I don’t encourage this, we are unfortunately, naturally designed to be in ‘open relationships’ or for some more ‘Solomonic’ men, be in town hall meetings, where only one man is present. Geez! Did you notice how long that last sentence was and how many commas I used inside? Free me jor…if writing is easy, why aren’t you a writer?

  1. I HATE SEX

Unbelievable as this might be *takes a long…deep sigh*There are people ladies who hate sex. Whew… Now sorry if you don’t like this, but I’m NOT up to discuss the one million different views and opinions on fornication. The point here isn’t whether you believe in exploring your porn star skills before marriage, or in having calm, delicate not-so-regular sex only after marriage vows have been exchanged. The point is, 99.99% of men LOOOOOOOOVE SEX!!! The remaining 0.01% are robots. So ladies, if for any reason you find yourself being a sex hater, you might want to not tell any guy who’s showing interest in you. Let him find out when it’s too late. That is after he loves you too much to change his mind and is either willing to slowly, patiently, and painfully/ lovingly teach you how to love sex, or decide to live a miserable life with a wife who will never love sex. Either way, you have a man to call your own. LOL

But why would anyone hate sex though? Just in case my pastor is reading this, I believe in SEX ONLY AFTER MARRIAGE. LOL. *Whistling “Here Comes The Bride”*

  1. I CAN NEVER BE A HOUSE WIFE/ STAY-AT-HOME MOM

Have you noticed how much sexier stay-at-home mom sounds compared to housewife? LOL. Before some all ladies throw me in the lions’ den, let me make it clear: I don’t want a housewife too! I’M SPEAKING FOR MYSELF. Surprised? I’m sure you are. Many men, and I mean sophisticated, polished and educated young men of today, actually want their wives to stay at home. I also know many educated, sophisticated, career driven ladies who have told me they would love to be stay at home moms. Now different people have a billion different reasons for wanting to be housewives or wanting their wives to be one. And I respect every single one of those reasons.

So what’s my point? No matter how liberal a Nigerian man who intends marrying a woman is, he doesn’t want you making the thought of staying at home to take care of and raise your children sound like slavery! Personally, I would want to have a balance in my own marriage. I want a wife who wishes to pursue a career and her dreams, I mean that’s such a great thing to me. However, I don’t want my dinner cooked by a complete stranger every single day or my children raised by maids who are usually monsters in disguise. There should be a balance between her family and career.

Thumbs up to all the career women who still manage to somehow raise their children and take care of their husbands. God bless y’all! Much respect to all the women who chose to give up elaborate careers just to make beautiful homes.

A word of advice, telling a Nigerian man you have zero intentions of being a housewife will most likely be misinterpreted as you, the woman, not willing to put any effort at all into building your home. So if you’re going to discuss this, be wise how you say it, because Naija men get as dem be o. LOL.

Thanks for reading…Please ladies and gents, feel free to use the comments box to express all your thoughts and opinions…I’d love to hear them!

Welcome to your best year yet…welcome to 2015!!!

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19 thoughts on “HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN NINE SECONDS

  1. I agree with you on all, but the “stay @ home mum” is a no no for me. Except you will open one big money spinning supermart for me, – have membership to a lovely gym like…..(cant remember jare, that in same compound with cactus), you promise and keep that promise to be home early, we go clubbing 2gether always as ur chick, not ur wife and you do me well sex wise.
    You do these things and u have all d other points your way *tongue out* daring you to be dat man.

    1. LOL. Accepts dare on National TV!!! Love your points though…specially the ‘go cliubbing together and do me well sex wise’…seems like you’re gonna be one helluva correct wife *winks and returns dare* hehehe…

  2. Nijia men….I hail owner oooo…pls mind my pigin ooo, dnt know if I still got it right? It’s really a very inspiring article and I learnt alot. One thing I would wanna say is that ladies(especially Nijia girls) should please stop imitating themselves with white ladies. They have their own culture which is very different from ours. Thanks for this article and would love to see more of things like this.

  3. I wish a Nigeria man would give me the chance to stay at home and nurse my children, Most guys won’t even come close nor blink at u unless u are a working class lady, now tell me? how many Nigeria men today would tell their wives to stay at home and take care of the kids?, meeeehn nobody want to settle for less, and yet they expect u to come back from work take care of the kids including the bigger kid which is the husband and at the same time give him a gud food and a gud sex, haba! Are u guys bokoharam? U guys should be considerate nw, what is wrong in doing the cooking, @ least u guys should be romantic in that aspect.

  4. well said big bros. kudos to your rich and enjoyable content. спасибо. Also:
    5. I’m of Edo origin, and I tend to live another life whenever I sleep.

  5. well said boss. kudos to your rich content too. Also:
    5. I’m of Edo origin, and I tend to live another life whenever I sleep.

  6. Its a good one sha, but in the case of the house wife thing….I don’t have any problem being a stay-at-home mom ooo, that’s if my husband is able to put food for I and my kids on the table…but whereby things gets sour, then my dear I don’t think I will sit n watch my kids starve. Moreover the woman was made to be a help mate, so she gas assist the man in her own lil way its not easy for one person to take care of the needs of the family, unless the man is too wealthy which isn’t a guarantee that he won’t fall sometime in life…. And also most Naija men hate it wen they go out n suffer n the wife stays at home doing nothing, in fact they disregard such women. And in most cases such women a maltreated, thats for those men who arent financially stable. So u see its a two way thing….. The woman just have to go out and work n assist n try not to neglect her family. Her family must come first.

  7. I am proud, my protege has come of his own..*wipes off tears* nicely written but I disagree on the stay at home wifey, I do not know men who would want that, at least get busy, the most important thing is there should be a balance.

    1. Bros free that matter o. Enough men wey i know no go mind. Its just the Naija factor, cos even Mitt Romney when running for the U.S presidency used his love and admiration for stay at home moms to sweep all their votes. He called them the ‘true heroes of America’..it’s actually something to be proud of as a woman if you’re raising your children. It tops any job or career any day in my opinion. I want a balance though..personally. Half working and half stay at home. But my brother, that balance ehn…na long tin,. lol

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