SWITCHBLADES & ICECREAM

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When someone you respect and admire refers to your blog as an abandoned project or museum, that’s all the motivation you need to get your creative writing juices flowing.

I’m back and this year my write ups shall be more real, abi na realer, straight up and explicit, don’t be scared the R-18 content shall be minimized (I hope).

Anyway let me get to it. If you’re married, dating, in a relationship or not sure of what you’re doing, this will take you a long way.

I’ve basically lined up what women rights are in a relationship:

  1. THE RIGHT TO MOW THE LAWN

I have come to the conclusion that any woman who truly loves you and feels she belongs to you (obviously based on your words/actions), has every right to go through your messages, emails and call logs. Do we like it as men? Maybe not, even when we have nothing to hide, but the sooner you realise any woman who truly loves you wants to have access to this ‘private part’ of your life (whether she admits or shows it or not), the sooner we achieve world peace.

  1. THE RIGHT TO HAVE MOOD SWINGS

A man with mood swings? Total turnoff!!! Read “How to be a man 101”, one of the laws of manhood is you don’t wear your emotions on your sleeves. Ladies however, have the mood swing software installed in them and there’s nothing men can do about it. The ‘good news’  is, the software comes with a lot of additional features like complaining, bugging and intentionally trying to piss us off.

3. THE RIGHT TO CUDDLE

Personally I’ve never been a fan of cuddling.*watching my female fan base skydiving* LOL, but I had to adapt. Guys if your woman doesn’t like cuddling chances are you’re dating Chuck Norris or Voltron and if she doesn’t get the joke, you might be in danger of child abuse o. So, if you have cuddle phobia like I did, you better start practicing.

  1. THE RIGHT TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU EARN

If you have to hide your earnings from your woman because you’re not proud that it’s only 4 zeros in them, chances are you’re not with a cheerleader or a keeper, you might as well leave. If the earnings are so high you’re afraid to  let her know chances are you’re with a gold digger and you might also as well leave. Or chances are you’re just an a$$wipe. No matter the scenario, ladies want to know what you earn or what you do to earn it. How would she know if you’re a yahoo boy or as my Hausa teacher used to pronounce it, an armee rover *insert thick Hausa accent*(armed robber).

  1. THE RIGHT TO ‘SHOOT ON SIGHT’

Guys may not know this, but your girl is taking mental notes of the following people:

– the ladies you introduce her to as “my friend” or by her name rather than as your woman

– those ladies who call you and you always have to say ‘I’ll call you back’

– those ladies whose calls you never pick in front of her

– the ladies you call your “friends”

  1. THE RIGHT TO BE ANNOYING

For my own safety, I’d rather allow this remain self explanatory LOL.

7. EXCLUSIVE RIGHT TO OWN THE “D”

For the sake of some underage adults, let’s call THE “D” Diamond. So, every woman wants sole and exclusive ownership of the ‘diamond’. She doesn’t want to share her man’s diamond with any other woman. She wants to be the only one allowed to shine, polish, caress and go all Western-cowgirl on that huge (for your sake it’d better be huge or at least medium sized) rock.

There you have it ladies and gents. Men brace up and allow her enjoy all the rights and privileges that come with the office of the first lady whether it’s in za kitchen, za farlour or za oza room, especially in za oza room *winks*

As always, thanks for the read. I’d love to hear more opinions. Please feel free to use the comments box.

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